There is more to this. We looked for a place halfway between where we would both be working and it’s a minimum 80 mile ONE WAY commute for both of us. Gas, car maintenance, and the psychological and emotional toll are way too much.
I would love to go with him to where he will be working, but that is central-western Iowa. There are no jobs listed on hotjobs, careerbuilder, cumulusjobs, Iowa Workforce Development, the local newspapers, monster, or local business’s “careers” or “employment” pages. Josh got this job because his dad owns 51% of the business he’d be working for and his dad’s parents own the other 49%. It would be nepotism if it weren’t a family-owned business. This job was never listed on anything, anywhere. My mom said she might be able to get me a job as a TA at the public high school where she works, but it would be $7.50 an hour. $1000 a month in various inflexible loan payments dictates that this is not a possibility.
He’s saying now he might not take the job because he doesn’t want to go without me. What he’s failing to fully realize is that just because of who I am, my nature, I can’t live with myself knowing that I’m the reason he didn’t take this opportunity for excellent career experience and money. When we move on to somewhere else (as we’d both DESPERATELY love to someday, hopefully) and he can’t get a job else where that’s good because he doesn’t have the kind of experience he could get here, it will be my fault for holding him back from taking this job. Or when we decide to buy a house or have kids or something else expensive and he’s not making the kind of money he could be making had he taken this job to build his resume and make more money wherever we are at that time, it will be my fault.
Of course he won’t see it that way because it was HIS decision that only HE could make. That’s how most people will see it, but that is not how I will see it. Because there is EXACTLY ONE reason he wouldn’t take this job. And that one reason is ME. It’s on me. But at the same time it’s not about ME. But somehow this does make it about me. It’s miserable.
And it gets more stressful. Our grant and/or sponsorship has not yet come through, so I don’t know yet if I even have a job here. The people who are in charge of deciding if we get the money in either of these ways know that we NEED to know NOW whether or not we have the money because we are OUT of money on June 30. Then both me and my boss are out of a job and our educational program is in the toilet. They KNOW THIS. They also know that I just finished school, which they also know means I have student loans coming due 6 months after I graduate, which they KNOW is coincidentally the month THEY DECIDE TO MAKE ME UNEMPLOYED.
I have applied for a lot of jobs, but with this economy (my GOD I hate the sound of those words coming from me-what kind of excuse schlock is that?!), I send out 15-20 resumes and hear back from about one. And that’s sometimes an interview, usually a rejection. One response for ever 15-20 resumes. Awesome.
There’s also the issue of our lease, which is signed and runs through May 2010. We know the place is a freakin steal, being a decent quality, 5 blocks from the university, free cable/internet/water/garbage, less than $450 a month, small enough to have dirt cheap utilities even in the winter but still large enough not to feel cramped or like a glorified closet, and has free off-street parking. Our lease has an explicit prohibition on sub-leasing, but I think we could do it anyway. But not until August, because it is SUMMER now, and anyone looking for an apartment like ours would have one by now. The lookers will come in late July.
It’s all quite a bit, and Josh is gone this weekend watching his sister “graduate” from “college”. I’m here alone and my last friends in this town are leaving today. They just pulled their huge dual-cab truck with big trailer onto the lawn and are loading the last of their stuff. Last friends in this town? I’m still living in the town I went to college in, which is where one is to move, go to school, grow up a little, make some friends, and then LEAVE. I got a job at the college, so I’m still here while everyone I went to school with and befriended has moved away. No friends to make? How to most people make most of their friends? Work-they hang out with their coworkers and form friendships. My coworkers-I have 7, all over the age of 50, with one exception, who is 35 and has two babies at home. Local clubs to join? In smalltown Iowa? They’re called “churches”, which I call “generally hateful, ignorant nonsense.”
Go me.
